'Madame du chateau' steps nervously on to the stage, tears streaming down her face, but takes a deep breath and finally manages to compose herself before addressing the crowded auditorium:
" I did not create that steak and onion pie for this or any other accolade. Indeed there are very many more finer cooks than me. It was purely an accident that the pie got out of hand and happened to end up in a pie dish bigger than a Paris taxi drivers wallet! A pie so big in fact that it had to be shared with anyone unfortunate enough to call at the chateau that fateful day. So several visitors were given a fond farewell on their departure, laden with foil-wrapped parcels as heavy as a set of 'petanque' balls - and for that I now apologise most humbly"
She falters, lets out a sob and grabs the podium to steady herself before continuing........
" But to open a parcel this morning to find this wonderful award from the Collins household is purely a wonderful honour. An award I shall sport with a ribbon at every possible occasion.
It seems like only yesterday ( although it was 40 years ago) that I, a young Miss Fellows, was thrown out of cookery classes at school for making soup that would not leave the bowl [which incidentally turned out to be useful in later life when it came to mixing cement!] Instead I was forced to study German. To that domestic science teacher I say today......ACHTUNG!!! Take that, you old battleaxe!
I was even more elated to find that the Collins household had personalised my award on the reverse with a marker pen."
(She sobs again and smooths down her lace apron).
"I should like to thank the ready made pastry company, the boucherie department in the supermarche and, finally, Antoinette - the chicken that laid the egg to glaze the top".
As she begins to leave the stage the flash of paparazzi cameras cause her to stumble on the steps and fall into the laps of Daniel Craig and Johnny Depp.
" Hello boys.....fancy some of my home made pie?" she whispers."
A demain, mes belles