jeudi 29 décembre 2011

I`d like to thank.....................

Shirleyella simplychateau, the Countess du Breuil, stepped out of the heavy-gilded doorway of her palazzo into the warm dark night. Her soft brunette chignon with tumbling curls cascaded out from beneath the hood of her long, black, floor-length velvet opera cloak that covered her stunning size six couture silk gown. ( shut up and drink your cocoa ............this is MY story!!)

She tiptoed to the stone steps leading down to the water at the edge of the Grand Canal where she found, waiting as arranged,  Danielo Craig, her personal gondolier. He had spent his day preparing his cherub-bedecked gondola to ferry what he felt was his most precious cargo. He helped her off the steps and into the seat that he had festooned with the finest Fortuny silk and damask. As she passed him  she gently caressed his cheek with her fingertips.  " Thank you, Danielo",  she whispered in his ear. 

He stepped up behind her to his rowing platform and began to guide the craft out into the stillwaters, lit only by the small candle at the head of the gondola and the moonlight that danced upon the water. She did not see him gently touch his cheek where her fingertips had lingered. He would never again wash that cheek - but leave it to become ingrained with dust and much darker than the rest of his face. He knew that as time went on would become a laughing stock in Venice with one half of his face dirtier than the other............... but only he knew that it would all have been worthwhile just to have felt her soft touch.

The Grand Canal was silent in the late evening air. A gentle mist rose from the waters as the gondola silently made its way towards the Fenice Theatre for the awards ceremony. Danielo sang quietly to the Countess in his perfectly-trained soprano voice the traditional family song which had been passed down in his family from generation to generation, which he had first heard whist sitting on the knee of mother, Wendio." Just one cornetto give it to me".   [Come on....come on.... keep up........ Wendio as in Wendy Craig!!]

As they approached the pontoon at the side of the Fenice she could see the roaring candle torches lighting up the red carpet on either side and three men standing at the water's edge nervously awaiting her arrival. As her gondola touched the wall the men jostled for position to be the one who would take her hand and escort her into the gilded entrance hall.

Georgio Clooniyo stood his ground and offered his hand to the Countess. Both Johnnio Odeppio and Thomaso Sellickio had to stand back as she slipped her tiny hand into his strong,- perfectly-manicured hand and they walked together side by side towards the theatre.

The bustling entrance hall was full of the Venetian aristocracy, all bedecked in their finest attire. There was an immediate silence followed by a gasp of admiration as the Countess swept in. Her cape slid to the ground to reveal the most delicious Chanel gown and draped over her exquisite bare shoulders a 17th century black lace shawl handworked by the silent order of fairly celibate monks of Murano -  the shawl being a parting gift from the Seigneur Sean de Connery after she had spurned his advances but which she kept as it carried both his crown and monogrammed crested logo - SC.    Simply Chateau - what could be better!!

A trumpet fanfare announced the start of the ceremony and the Countess was escorted to her seat by one of the many ushers in waiting - Pierce Brosnini. 

The evening progressed and the tinkling laughter coming from the Countess flowed as easily as the champagne as she sat with the attentive Cloonyoso, Deppio and Sellickio at her rose-bedecked table.

As the awards progressed she rose elegantly as her name was called and walked slowly amongst the assembled aristocracy to collect her prestigious LIEBSTER BLOG AWARD, an award that had been chosen to be presented to her by none other than the world-famous Baroness Abigail de Boylissimo, famous for her wonderful blog,  "My spottio Ponio".

Walking across to the centre of the stage she accepted her award and then turned towards the admiring crowd at her feet. Lowering her long, sweeping lashes to hide the tears welling in her eyes  and in a low, husky voice trembling with emotion, she said, " I would like to thank my mother and father, the Wolverhampton Road Primary School, Bentley Drive Junior School, the Edward Shelley High School for Girls, Cadburys Chocolate, Walkers Cheese and Onion crisps, Madame Besnier's fabulous gateaux in her shop, Sir Digbert Fanshawe Brownshaw, Marks & Spencers magic knickers - and a good glassfull of baileys Irish Cream - all of whom, in some way or another, have played a great part in my life.

Before she was able to start her next sentence, someone screamed, there was a huge crash as a table and the contents on it went flying - and Johnnio Odeppio leapt onto the stage, ran to where the countess was standing and without further ado threw her roughly over his shoulder  and ran off stage to the back of the theatre and into the night air towards the Grand Canal shouting "she will be mine".

The countess, unperturbed, bristled with the frisson of knowing that below her couture gown she was wearing her pair of inflatable safety knickers. As Odeppio man-handled her into his boat and pushed it away from the wall towards the centre of the canal she activated her pants, slapping both thighs approximataly 4 inches above her knees. They inflated immediately, lifting her clear off the side of the boat and into the water.

She had of course planned for this eventuality ( it had happened several times before!) and, within seconds, she heard the familiar throbbing sound of Markio's engine as he approached in his Gustavian-grey coloured motor boat to whisk her away to an early morning brocante! 

Firstly....I must get out more.....secondly thankyou Abby for my award....I love you with a passion reserved for chocolat filled chocolat eclairs from the patisserie!!!

A demain mes belles!


21 commentaires:

  1. Oooooh i loved your story so romantic!
    and you said i had a dangerous mind? ;) haha

    Clair de lune is just beautiful,one of my favorites.

  2. I can see the voices in your head have been active over the holiday season Shirley. However, I am prepared to accept your delusions and still wish you hearty congratulations on your award. Well deserved my dear girl.

  3. Oh Madame, you are truly an artist or should I say comedienne? I was gripped and I am so pleased that it all turned out swimmingly for you with the wonderful Markio however do you think that perhaps you should have lingered a little longer before you slapped your arse? I would have!!
    T x
    Perhaps if we can get over to see you this year you will be able to meet my own Mr Clooney.

  4. you crack me up!!! the funniest thing i've read in blogland for ages!!! bravo bella!!!

  5. Shirley, if this was a film you would be collecting an oscar! Sooooo funny!!
    I have told my husband that from now on I am to be called Baroness Abigail de Boylissimo. I won't write his reply!!
    Countess du Breuil....
    You are a star blogger xxx

  6. Just been catching up with the last three weeks or so after a "petite vacances" with the NHS - and I want a pint of whatever you've been on over Christmas as it's obviously doing a better job than the morphine I've got!
    Congratulations on the award, and may it be the first of many.

  7. I was just talking about you to Anita today, and telling her how madly in love with your blog, your humor, your life, your chandelier, etc. I was, and she agreed that you are MARvelous!!! And now I come here and see that you are the Toast of the Town, and have just won the most Lieblingest of awards, and you should be writing a book!!! [ You are, I hope, aren't you?] I'm going over to your friend Abby now, and tell her how smart she is to award you with this! Truly much deserved! Huge Congratulations!!!!!!!!!

  8. Dear Countess du Breuil,
    Speaking as an ex blood transfusion nurse, I fear the blood you received a while ago must have been Italian in origin.
    Fortunately, this can all be rectified with regular early morning brocanting and copious supplies of French macarons and pastries.
    Sister Julie RGN

  9. Dear Di.............deluded me? who? who said that...ring for the footman to adjust my tiara.

  10. Dear Tracy,

    Perhaps I did set off the pants too quick...perhaps I should have set them off and dragged Johnny with me...............tooooooo late now!
    Would love for you both to come and stay!!


  11. Kay..............thank you.........that gin really helps me write you know!

  12. My dearest Baroness Abigail de Boylissimo,

    You`d better tell than man of yours that he should treat you with the respect commanded by a Baroness. If I was you I would demand to be carried by him in my sedan chair to see Spotty!


  13. poor soul! Hope you are feeling better. Do you have any of that morphine spare? It`s been a heavy Christmas and there are at least 3 more aperatifs parties to get through here before the big New Years Day breakfast at friends in the next village.

  14. Dearest Dawne
    My utmost sympathy to you at having stumbled upon my blog. You are now bound by law to read it regularly and never to try and hide behind a bush when a new one arrives. The only hope for you is gin, brandy and copious amounts of gateaux from the patisserie of Madame Besnier. Beyond that abandon all hope

  15. Dear Sister Julie
    You never told me that this was your past profession - I would have demanded you were airlifted immediately for your services at the hospital in Cherbourg. I do however like the treatment you recommend....macaroons and then brocanting.....or is that brocanting and then macaroons? Decisions....decisions!!

  16. Ooh, a romantic story like no other. You are very talented, does Hollywood know about you? Seriously, you captivated me. Very clever and sweet!

    Happy New Year Shirley!!! xo Rhonda

  17. Happy New Year to you too Rhonda
    As you will see from this blog..devils work.....idle hands and all that!!

  18. Happy New Year Honey! Hope you have less ailments in 2012 :-)

  19. So nice to meet you just found your beautiful blog and so happy I did. I have enjoyed looking around and I'm now following you, so nice to meet new friends. Sending you special wishes for a wonderful New Year I’m looking forward to keeping in touch in 2012.
    Always Wendy

  20. Oh Shirley, Wonderful story. I have tears running down my face! Why my dear did you make such a quick escape? I would have loved to read of your romantic tryst with the dashing Johnnio.(my favorite star of the movies) Perhaps s sequel, Yes?! I understand he lives in France. Lucky for both of you.
    Happy 2012 to you. I adore your blog.
    ~ ~Ahrisha~ ~