mercredi 15 décembre 2010


Okay - lets talk menopause! I am 52 (ouch!), my boobs hurt and my bicycles have stopped ( menstrual cycle-mens cycles-womans cycles = bicycles....come on keep up, I won`t wait for you again!!) So.... I did the quiz.
Q. Has your bicycle stopped?
A. Yes, then no, then yes, then yes, then no, then yes - and again, yes.
Q. Are you suffering night sweats?
A. How should I know, I am asleep!
Q. Do your boobs hurt?
Q. Are you suffering mood swings and are you emotional?
A. I don`t know. I am Cancerian and I cry at anything. I am still bereft from the start of watching Stuart Little and, after finding he lived in an orphanage, cried so much I had to switch it off.
Q. Have you lost interest in sex?
A. Get away from me!  I have a Victorian hat pin and I`m not afraid to use it!
So.... this last weekend I nipped back to the UK as gorgeous daughter was having a stand at Shepton Flea and we also wanted a girlie day shopping together. Whilst in Salisbury I nipped into the chemist ( still clutching the hat pin) and asked if they had a menopausal testing kit that would show if I was menopausal  - or simply in an evil mood.
I have just weed in my cup ( "up to the line shown". Are they kidding? My cup overfloweth. Do they expect me to stop when I have already started?) I have dipped in my paddle, waited 15 minutes and the results show........ "NO" . So, here is the dilemma................does "no bicyles" mean what I think?

1. Have the drugs I take (for the heart blip I had last year) affected the result? I know that you think I am a healthy voluptuous Raquel Welch look alike ( don`t even think of it...... I still have that hat pin!) but simply-chateau is in fact held together with a bit of old hemp twine, two darns,a rubber button, 2 whalebones, a French seam and a metis patch.

2.How shocked will Mark be? He had the vital chop before I'd met him - and I don`t think I could have got pregnant from the dream I had last week that I was trapped overnight in a Bedouin tent with George Clooney, Johnny Depp and Daniel Craig in a sandstorm. I wish!!
3. When I got home at the dead of night last night the marsh was in total darkness except for one large bright star, shining high above the chateau.
4. It`s Christmas soon and this morning I noticed that a solitary donkey has appeared in the field opposite.

So many questions.
Should I fill the manger in the stable with fresh straw or will it be more 21st century on Christmas morning to just start shredding newspapers in a quiet corner of the kitchen?
We are going to a nativity and carol singing tomorrow evening. Should I go in the car with everyone else or should I wear an old sheet with a curtain tassel and rope at the waist and ride that donkey onto the village car park?

Should I ask for a room at the local chambres d`hote?

Will someone knock the door with a gift of myrrh? (What does myrrh look like? W ill it come in a box or a bottle and why does it sound like a cat with a speech impediment?)

How will I be able to go brocanting at 5am in the morning with a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes in a manger on my back?

Just off to do a bit of paper-shredding in the kitchen.......................

4 commentaires:

  1. I'd go for Gold if I were you ( myrrh being a bit stinky and all). And funnily enough I went extremely broody a couple of years after my bicycle repair kit was removed. Too late then even for miracle elderly motherhood for me. But, those portents around you, well...I'd book into the most expensive Relais & Chateaux hotel I could find for Christmas!Cx

  2. I say rid yourself of the whole bicycle thing .Been there done that it is fab. Mark will surely feel sorry for Shirley and send you yo the states with the tartlette to recover and brocante in her house.By the way, you do not have night sweats as would wake up if you had them,that is how you kNow.Must I teach you everything.

  3. This is a very very late comment, but having been living with menopause for three years I thought I would make a comment anyway because the symptoms you describe may reappear at intervals over the last 12 months. There is a period of time called perimenopause which is the warning sign of the full ghastly state. The hot flushes (or flashes as Americans tend to call them) would wake you even in the dead of the night, and during the day they feel the same as standing next to a furnace for a few seconds.The moodiness can be intense for some women, or drawn out and subtle for others (I'm the latter). The discomfort in the breast comes and goes, and tapers off. Some women, like myself, experience a fogginess of mind, not too different to during a pregnancy, and raised blood pressure (latter stages), which is what struck me at the beginning of my 3rd year. I started just before my 47th birthday, as did my older sister. Neither of us have had to use any form of HRT, we have just "put up" with the sense of edginess which comes with the diminishing tolerance level, so we avoid fools,politicians, and most people under 25yrs old, of any kind so as not to offend.

  4. Hi
    I have just read your 2010 "Menopause mystery" post and it made me laugh so much.
    Been there, got the tee- shirt.
    We are currently working at moving to our village house in the Languedoc soon.Vive La France!
    Your site & items are lovely