Okay - lets talk menopause! I am 52 (ouch!), my boobs hurt and my bicycles have stopped ( menstrual cycle-mens cycles-womans cycles = bicycles....come on keep up, I won`t wait for you again!!) So.... I did the quiz.
Q. Has your bicycle stopped?
A. Yes, then no, then yes, then yes, then no, then yes - and again, yes.
Q. Are you suffering night sweats?
A. How should I know, I am asleep!
Q. Do your boobs hurt?
Q. Are you suffering mood swings and are you emotional?
A. I don`t know. I am Cancerian and I cry at anything. I am still bereft from the start of watching Stuart Little and, after finding he lived in an orphanage, cried so much I had to switch it off.
Q. Have you lost interest in sex?
A. Get away from me! I have a Victorian hat pin and I`m not afraid to use it!
So.... this last weekend I nipped back to the UK as gorgeous daughter was having a stand at Shepton Flea and we also wanted a girlie day shopping together. Whilst in Salisbury I nipped into the chemist ( still clutching the hat pin) and asked if they had a menopausal testing kit that would show if I was menopausal - or simply in an evil mood.
I have just weed in my cup ( "up to the line shown". Are they kidding? My cup overfloweth. Do they expect me to stop when I have already started?) I have dipped in my paddle, waited 15 minutes and the results show........ "NO" . So, here is the dilemma................does "no bicyles" mean what I think?
1. Have the drugs I take (for the heart blip I had last year) affected the result? I know that you think I am a healthy voluptuous Raquel Welch look alike ( don`t even think of it...... I still have that hat pin!) but simply-chateau is in fact held together with a bit of old hemp twine, two darns,a rubber button, 2 whalebones, a French seam and a metis patch.
2.How shocked will Mark be? He had the vital chop before I'd met him - and I don`t think I could have got pregnant from the dream I had last week that I was trapped overnight in a Bedouin tent with George Clooney, Johnny Depp and Daniel Craig in a sandstorm. I wish!!
3. When I got home at the dead of night last night the marsh was in total darkness except for one large bright star, shining high above the chateau.
4. It`s Christmas soon and this morning I noticed that a solitary donkey has appeared in the field opposite.
So ...............so many questions.
Should I fill the manger in the stable with fresh straw or will it be more 21st century on Christmas morning to just start shredding newspapers in a quiet corner of the kitchen?
We are going to a nativity and carol singing tomorrow evening. Should I go in the car with everyone else or should I wear an old sheet with a curtain tassel and rope at the waist and ride that donkey onto the village car park?
Should I ask for a room at the local chambres d`hote?
Will someone knock the door with a gift of myrrh? (What does myrrh look like? W ill it come in a box or a bottle and why does it sound like a cat with a speech impediment?)
How will I be able to go brocanting at 5am in the morning with a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes in a manger on my back?
Just off to do a bit of paper-shredding in the kitchen.......................